It’s well past midnight, and I can’t sleep. My head is full of memories right now, I don’t know why. Maybe something or someone is trying to persuade me to write these words. Perhaps they will be helpful to someone who reads them? I don’t know. So I keep on writing…
Nothing in our lives happens without a purpose, although we often get the impression that it’s completely without cause. The older I am, the more often I discover the reasons why specific experiences have affected me. I understand more and more clearly the meaning of events that occurred in my life, the role of the people I met on my way. It’s like I’m gradually getting another parts of the puzzle that fits into a whole.
The longer I am on this planet, the more I recall from the old days. It’s probably normal – my mother once told me that the older she gets, the more distant memories come to her mind. I also get the impression that I now remember events that I have erased from my memory, or I forgot about them just after they happened. And now it turns out that these individual events have had a key impact on how my life’s been going and how it looks today.
I’m grateful for every acquaintance: from my school friends and playground friends (I’m happy I keep in touch with them today – they are extraordinary people), through my sister’s friends, brothers’ and parents’, my aunts from whom I have learned a lot, to my “exes”, colleagues and platonic loves. Everyone contributed to who I am.
My high school days were a difficult time for me. At times I lost sense of life, I had long-lasting “feeling-blue” periods. It wasn’t easy in my family home. I think that the bond I always had with my mother helped me to survive difficult moments.
My grandmother was also a shoulder to cry on …
When she suddenly passed away, I couldn’t come to terms with it for a long time. Even during the funeral, I didn’t realize that I was saying goodbye to my grandma. I think I understood the fact that she left forever only a few years after her death. And today I miss her immensely! I regret that I can’t share my ordinary, sometimes monotonous everyday life with my grands.
When my grandmother died I was in graduation class. I remember sharing with her my plans for the future, I said that I wanted to study English philology. Her first reaction to my plans are words that I still keep in my head whenever I encounter difficulties and they motivate me to act: “What an insane idea, Oluchna (this is how my grandparents used to call me), how do you think it will be possible for you to study?! Who’s going to pay for it?” I used to regret for a long time that she didn’t make it to see my diploma of graduation and that she couldn’t learn that I had become a teacher. Now more and more often I think that since she died, together with my grandfather, they watched over my life and that I actually completed my education with a master degree because of them! 🙂 I hope they are proud of me …
I’m not a religious person. But I’d be lying if I said that I don’t feel someone’s care “from above”. What’s more, I start to realize that my life began to gradually become in a way “perfectly built” just after my grandparents passed away. I was their beloved granddaughter. If they had such a possibility, they certainly wouldn’t resist the temptation to guide me in the right direction, haha.
At that time (when my grandmother died) I had a beloved boyfriend. Although I decided not to share my future with him, I’m convinced that he helped me to keep balance, supported me after my grandmother’s death, taught me many things, and helped me understand a lot. I’m so grateful to him, though I know I will never tell him about it. And the fact that I didn’t become his wife (though we did make such plans), perhaps also “due to” my grandparents (;-)), made us both have happy lives with our loved ones today, although when we were still kids it may have seemed to us that such a breakup was a catastrophe.
I don’t know what the future will bring, but I know that 12 years ago I married a man who is the love of my life. A lot of events in the lives of my relatives led to our first meeting. Today I understand that a different course of even one of them could have such an effect that I would have never met my husband!
And yet I have a wonderful family today. And a rich life. Rich, because it’s full of wonderful feelings, wonderful people around, full of passion and still giving me freedom to pursue my own plans. My life is also full of love. I enjoy every bit of it and taste every moment. You just have to. It’s not worth looking at life through the prism of gray, monotonous everyday life or unpleasant events, although I know that every, even the most difficult experience enriches our personality. I prefer, however, to focus on what is good. I know that every moment matters, so I try not to waste time on meaningless activities. Awareness of how much accidental events, accidentally met people, randomly spoken words affect our future obliges me to appreciate what life brings to me.
These little things I write about are as big as they are. 😉 Unusually normal.
Nothing happens without a reason. Really. 🙂